Summary
Who this is for: Anyone asked to give a eulogy, families planning a memorial, people who want to record their own story, and those exploring end-of-life doula work.
Key takeaways:
- A good eulogy is about one real person, not a full biography. Pick a few stories that show who they were.
- Gather memories from other people, write the way you talk, and read it aloud before the service.
- A eulogy is one kind of legacy project. Legacy letters, ethical wills, recorded stories, and memory books do similar work, and can start while someone is still alive.
- Research on legacy work near the end of life suggests it can matter to dying people and their families.
- End-of-life doulas often help with legacy projects. Iliff’s Death Care Collective teaches that work through its Foundations of Death Care course.
What’s inside:
- What a eulogy is (and isn’t)
- How to write a eulogy in 7 steps
- A simple eulogy outline
- Tips for writing a eulogy for a parent
- Other legacy projects that honor a life
- Why legacy work matters
- How end-of-life doulas help
- Frequently asked questions
Being asked to give a eulogy is an honor, and it can also feel impossible. You’re grieving, the service is days away, and you’re supposed to sum up a whole life in a few minutes. Here’s the good news: you don’t have to capture everything. You only have to tell the truth about someone you loved, in a way that helps the room remember them.
This guide walks you through how to write a eulogy step by step. It also covers other legacy projects, like legacy letters and ethical wills, that can honor a life before and after a death.
What Is a Eulogy?
A eulogy is a short speech given at a funeral, memorial, or celebration of life that honors the person who died. It differs from an obituary, which is a written notice with facts like dates, survivors, and service details. A eulogy is personal. It tells the people gathered who this person was, what they cared about, and what they meant to the people around them.
A eulogy doesn’t have to be formal or sad from start to finish. Laughter is often welcome. What matters most is that it sounds like the person it’s about.
How to Write a Eulogy in 7 Steps
1. Check the practical details first
Ask the family or whoever is organizing the service how long you should speak, whether anyone else is speaking, and whether there’s anything they’d like you to include or avoid. Many eulogies run about five minutes, but follow the organizers’ lead.
2. Gather stories, not just facts
Call siblings, old friends, coworkers, and neighbors. Ask questions like:
- What’s a story that’s so them?
- What did they always say?
- What did they teach you, even by accident?
- What will you miss most?
Write down everything, then look for patterns. The same trait often shows up in five different stories.
3. Choose a theme
Pick one to three qualities that capture the person: their stubborn generosity, their terrible puns, the way they showed up for everyone. A theme gives your eulogy shape and keeps it from becoming a list of accomplishments.
4. Pick the stories that prove it
For each quality, choose one specific story. “She was generous” is forgettable. “She paid for a stranger’s groceries and then made him promise to pay it forward” is not.
5. Write the way you talk
You’re writing for the ear, not the page. Use short sentences, plain words, and your own voice. If you wouldn’t say it out loud to a friend, rewrite it.
6. Be honest, and kind
Real people are complicated. You don’t need to pretend someone was perfect, and a light touch on their flaws can make a eulogy more believable and more loving. Leave out anything that would embarrass the family or reopen old wounds.
7. Practice out loud, then print it
Read it aloud at least twice and time it. Print it in a large font with space between paragraphs, and mark spots to pause. If you’re worried about getting emotional, ask someone to be ready to step in and finish for you. That’s okay, and people understand.
A Simple Eulogy Outline
- Opening: Who you are and how you knew them.
- A defining story: One memory that captures who they were.
- Two or three qualities: Each with a short, specific example.
- Their impact: What they leave behind in the people in the room.
- Closing: A goodbye, a favorite saying of theirs, or what you’ll carry forward.
Tips for Writing a Eulogy for a Mom or Dad
Writing a eulogy for a parent is one of the hardest versions of this task. A few things can help:
- Talk about who they were, not just what they did for you. Include their life before kids, their friendships, and their quirks.
- Coordinate with siblings. Share stories and decide who’s covering what, especially if more than one of you is speaking.
- Use their words. A phrase they always said, a recipe card, or an old letter can carry more than any summary.
- Let the hard parts be brief. If the relationship was complicated, you can be honest without making the eulogy about that.
Other Legacy Projects That Honor a Life
A eulogy happens after a death, but legacy work can start much sooner. Some of the most meaningful projects are made with the person while they’re still here.
Legacy letters and ethical wills
A legacy letter, sometimes called an ethical will, passes down values, life lessons, and hopes rather than property. Utah Hospice describes it as a way for people to share their values, beliefs, and life lessons with loved ones, and notes that, unlike a legal will, it doesn’t distribute assets. Stanford Medicine’s Surviving Cancer program points out that ethical wills aren’t legal documents and can be written or dictated.
Prompts to get started:
- What do I want the people I love to know about me?
- What have I learned that I want to pass on?
- What am I grateful for? What do I want to apologize for?
- What do I hope for the people I’m leaving behind?
Recorded stories and interviews
Audio or video interviews preserve voice, laughter, and the way someone tells a story. Ask simple questions, keep sessions short, and let the person go wherever the memories lead.
Memory books and boxes
Photos, recipes, handwriting, ticket stubs, and favorite sayings gathered in a book or box give family members, especially children, something to hold.
Letters for future milestones
Some people write letters to be opened at a graduation, a wedding, or the birth of a grandchild. It’s a way to stay present at moments they won’t see.
Planning their own service
Choosing music, readings, and who speaks can be a legacy project too. It gives the person a voice in how they’re remembered and lifts some decisions off the family. Tools from groups like The Conversation Project can help families start talking about end-of-life wishes.
Why Legacy Work Matters at the End of Life
Legacy work isn’t just sentimental. It’s been studied. In a 2005 study of dignity therapy, a short program where terminally ill patients record what matters most and receive an edited legacy document to share, 91% of participants said they were satisfied and 81% said it had helped or would help their family. Later research has been more mixed on whether it reduces distress, but people consistently report that it’s meaningful for them and their families.
For families, legacy projects can also give anticipatory grief somewhere to go. (Read more in our guide to anticipatory grief.)
How End-of-Life Doulas Help With Legacy Projects
End-of-life doulas, also called death doulas, provide non-medical support to dying people and their families. Helping someone record their story, write letters, or plan a meaningful goodbye is a regular part of that work. To learn more about the role, see our guide on how to become a death doula.
Iliff’s Death Care Collective is Iliff’s home for end-of-life education. Its course, Foundations of Death Care, is an online program that prepares people to serve as end-of-life doulas, with a full unit on legacy and quality of life alongside units on the practice of death care, justice and ethics, legal and medical issues, and communication and community. Learners can finish with a certificate of completion or work toward Iliff’s End-of-Life Doula Certificate. The Collective also offers continuing education (CEUs) for nurses, chaplains, and social workers.
Help People Tell the Story of Their Lives
If helping someone put their life into words moved you, that’s worth paying attention to. Iliff’s Death Care Collective trains people to accompany the dying and their families, including the legacy work that helps a life be remembered well.
Explore Foundations of Death Care
Frequently Asked Questions About Writing a Eulogy
How do you start writing a eulogy?
Start by gathering stories. Talk to family and friends, write down memories, and look for two or three qualities that come up again and again. Then open the eulogy by saying who you are and how you knew the person.
How long should a eulogy be?
Many eulogies run about five minutes, but it depends on the service and how many people are speaking. Ask the organizers how much time you have, then read your draft aloud and time it.
What should you not say in a eulogy?
Avoid anything that would embarrass the family, reopen old conflicts, or share private details the person wouldn’t have wanted told. Skip inside jokes that most of the room won’t understand. Honest is good; hurtful isn’t.
Is it okay to use humor in a eulogy?
Yes, if it fits the person. A funny story that sounds like them often helps the room relax and remember them as they were. Balance it with a moment that acknowledges the loss.
How do you write a eulogy for a mom?
Focus on who she was as a whole person, not only as your mother. Include her friendships, interests, and sayings, coordinate stories with siblings, and choose a few specific moments that show what she meant to the people around her.
What is the difference between a eulogy and an obituary?
An obituary is a written notice, usually published, that shares facts like dates, family members, and service details. A eulogy is a personal speech given at a service that tells the story of who the person was.
What is a legacy project?
A legacy project is anything that preserves and passes on a person’s story, values, or voice, such as a legacy letter, recorded interview, memory book, or letters for future milestones. Many are created with the person while they’re still alive.
What is an ethical will?
An ethical will, also called a legacy letter, is a personal document that passes down values, life lessons, and hopes rather than property. It isn’t a legal document and can be written, recorded, or dictated.
Can you write your own eulogy or legacy letter?
Yes. Some people write a legacy letter or notes for their own eulogy so loved ones have their words to draw on. It can also make planning easier for the family later.
How do end-of-life doulas help with legacy projects?
End-of-life doulas help dying people and their families record stories, write letters, create memory books, and plan meaningful goodbyes. Iliff’s Death Care Collective prepares people for this work through Foundations of Death Care, a public course with certificate options rather than a degree program.